I don’t know whether I am in high dudgeon or just depressed today. Something my depression masks as high dudgeon because of anxiety.
Either way, I was just able to say “high dudgeon” twice (oops,3 times!) and that lightens my mood considerably.
It’s just been one of those days, you know?
It started too early with a bunch of texts from people I love but I wasn’t ready to wake up. I attempted to get back to sleep but it was useless so up I was.
And faced my really messy apartment. Because I have been fully in “living alone so WTF” mode, I guess. But I don’t like it, chaos no longer works for me. It made some sense the last couple of days because I have been busy, but this Sunday morning it stopped. Not the chaos, the making sense.
I decided to make a good breakfast for energy to clean and there was the second bump in my road. You see, lately I have not wanted to eat. That doesn’t mean I don’t, no worries about food disorders here. It means that, if I had my way I would just take a pill every day and have done with it. I think I have probably mentioned at some point in all of these missives that I don’t cook. I cook, but not well, or inventively, and that’s been fine. I eat a very uninteresting diet and, unless I go out, it hardly ever varies. So this morning staring at the refrigerator shelves and my choices well…there were no choices. Eggs it was along with a plan to hit the grocery store later. Oh, and a rice cake. And some grapes. Yawn.
I tried to settle in and surf the web but the chaos kept distracting me, so I decided to read instead. Then a little yoga. Finally I put on music and started to clean. I did pick up but stopped short of cleaning because….no reason. Because I need a cleaning person. Along with a cook. (LOTS of great ideas today!)
Next I showered, dressed and headed to Trader Joe’s. I ALWAYS shop at TJ’s. I ALWAYS get the same things. EVERY. TIME. I have no idea why it bothered me so much today, but there it was…I am bored out of my mind with my food choices! I texted my friend and told her “nothing fucking looks good. Except the wine. The wine looks good”. And, for a second it did. (It passed very quickly no worries.) She texted back that I might want to expand my usual choices. Well, I have no idea how to do that! I told her I was going to throw a tantrum in aisle 3. Now, those of you who know TJ’s understand the problem with that logic…the aisles are all so damn small that I could never throw a proper fit, so why bother.
I bought my usuals (plus some chocolate) and left.
Oh, and in fact walked a block and a half back to my car because, just like no aisle space, TJ’s has no parking. It’s insane how they thrive.
Driving home I realized exactly what the solution was. So I drove into a neighborhood restaurant ordered sweet potato fries. ( I KNOW! don’t say it, I KNOW!)
And then, while waiting, I looked up and saw a man on a laptop .
My heart almost stopped, my eyes welled up and I was looking, for a split second, at my Tom, home from wherever the fuck he’s been.
It’s been a while since that happened, and, I’ll tell you what, it NEVER gets easier. The last time it happened it was actually Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family and I did an incredibly obvious triple take. When I could breathe again I carefully studied him and, dammit, it was uncanny. Eric Stonestreet looked like “when we met” Tom, this guy looked like “when he died” Tom.
I stared at him the whole time I waited for my fries. I actually considered taking a picture because I wanted proof. He left before my fries came, perhaps he felt the gaping.
People, that shit is hard, so hard. In the moment it’s kind of like I would imagine a near death experience is….your life flashing before your eyes. It felt like I was going to scream and run into his arms and all would finally be right again. Gratefully I didn’t act on my impulse, and I don’t thnk that description does it justice, but, whatever. It was awful. Truly. I get no comfort in those sightings, not like I get from clear messages, little winks…seeing him in someone else just stabs me in the heart.
I get home, unpack groceries and feel like hell as I eat the sweet potato fries that I have absolutely no taste for any longer.
I turn on the computer and there I see a nice message from my friend about my lack of interest in food, with some good info.
And then I remember that my sponsee is coming over for some step work before I get to go to my 11th step yoga class tonight and I am so grateful because, service, right sober peeps? Cures what ails you for sure.
And I am recovered. Calm again, shook it all off (except the fact that I hate these fries) and decided to come over here and work on a post because it’s been a while and….
WordPress has changed the way the dashboard and posting looks.
I hate change.
At least there is no more depression..it’s all high dudgeon from here on out.