I’m tapped out, I cannot possibly do another thing tonite except drink tea and sit with the heating pad on my back, easing, slightly,the aches and pains.
The movers will be coming sometime between 12-6. with an hour’s notice. I set it up that way since I wasn’t going straight into my apartment. This gives me a chance to shower in the morning, eat something, dismantle my bed and wash and pack the bedding.
While they are moving other things I will pack the wardrobes with clothes. I will dig up some of Margaret’s iris to bring with me to start my balcony garden. I will supervise the moving of my stuff. I will trash the rest of the items left..the couple extra plates I have been using for days, the one pan I have been cooking in, the teapot that whistles when my water is ready. I have beautiful china and silverware packed, the good stuff that will now be my every day. I will treat myself to a new tea kettle, a new dish drainer, silverware drawer holders, spatulas, cookware and other simple, small indulgences for my new venture. I will buy a plain comforter so I can finally get Duvet covers that I can switch to my hearts content and as my moods vary. I will buy a new couch, larger than I thought, to fill the new space. I am keeping old furniture that I will use and envision in new ways.
It’s all new. And I feel so taken care of in this process. It has been hard, it isn’t going to be easy to leave, but every step of the way the right things have occurred to make the transition as smooth and effortless as possible. Today the final one….escrow closing on the exact date it was predicted to. After some work is done on this house a new, shiny, beautiful family will be living here, as excited as i remember Tom and I when we bought the house. I wonder if they drive by and sit outside looking like we did? Bring their friends by for a quick glance at the house that would be one of the best gathering/party places around for so many happy years?
My feelings shift daily, hourly. But it is true, what my friend says, I am through here. It was a great ride and I am grateful beyond words. I cry on and off. I get exasperated and frustrated with the amount of work I have had to do. I am exhausted from not sleeping well, from the stress.
But I am also exhilarated by the possibilities, although I have a hard time getting there. I have a new financial planning guy that is going to help me get real about my finances, make some plans for the future. I am starting this new life in a cool loft in the exact area of town I wanted to be in….if I do move from L.A. I will have had a great year right in the heart of it. I’m starting with new stuff and SO much less stuff and it feels so freeing. Detaching from possessions and figuring out what comes next. Opening to the possibilities of life, of the flow that I am obviously in.
The memories will never leave me, but I’ve done my time wrapped in them, holding them close for fear of stepping outside the safety of what I cannot have again. That life is over and THIS life, whatever it is, is beginning. Tonite is one more sleep, one last sleep. It feels surreal, but it’s not. It is reality, as are the memories i will take from here.
I was reminded of a story by Brian Andreas:
“If there is any secret to this life I live, this is it: the sound of what cannot be seen sings within everything that can. & there is nothing more to it than that”
That song will never end, it’s singing now, loudly, calling me to move ahead. I cannot see my song, but I hear him, clearly, and always will, no matter where I live, no matter where I go. That song, the music of life and the Universe and all who have gone before me, can lead me now.
Open. To the possibilities, to life itself. there is nothing more to it than that